Re-Evaluating Life. Should I Proceed?

I wrote this on September 19, 2020.

Hi. It's me.

I don't know how to say this to everyone. Pero, honestly, I'm tired. Pagod na ako sa aking mga ginagawa. Sa lahat-lahat. I'm still trying to be okay. I'm still trying to put myself into a situation that would mask my emotions. 

For the past years, feeling ko, I'm alone. Though narito ang family ko, some trusted friends and some casual buddies that I could go to if ever I need someone to talk with, minsan hindi sapat. 

I trying to be as friendly as possible. As outgoing, and careless. Pero ang lahat ng ito ay just to forget kahit sandali lang ang bigat na aking nadarama.

I sounded like a selfish attention-seeker-brat right? Yes. I am. 

I'm short-tempered, tactless, and rude. I'm totally aware of it. 

Actually, I hate drama. Pero deep inside madrama ako. I'm sensitive. I'm weak. I'm easily offended. I feel defenseless.

You know what, minsan sumasagi na rin sa isip ko na to end these sufferings. And I keep fighting. Iniisip ko na masaya mabuhay. Maganda ang mundo. Kaya I keep fighting to live.

Nababahag ang aking buntot tuwing naiisip kong mag open up. Actually I already tried. Pero hindi ko pala kaya. May sinabihan na akong isang tao.

Siguro I need a fresh start. Kasi while I'm here, naaalala ko ang mga di malilimutang pangyayari na dala ng 2019 sa akin. 

Ayoko na idetalye. Pero ang dalawang pangyayaring ito ang nagpalala ng aking nadarama in terms of my mental health.

Actually feeling ko nga doon nagsimula ang aking dilemma. Yung mga pamahon na I need somebody to talk with my problems pero wala akong masabihan. I called the HopeLine, one of my college friends. Pero di sapat. Kasi during that time kung sinabi ko ito sa iba. They will just judge me. I'm aware na kumalat na ang tsimis about that. Pero all of it are lies. I'm the victim. Pero ang lumabas, ako ang may kasalanan.  The other one is the short-lived talk of the town The Sting Incident. I got humiliated by my actions. I was threatened, I was forced to swallow my pride to lend money just to pay the danyos for the injury inflicted by me. Yun din ang panahon na I wanted to cry pero di ako maiyak-iyak. 

Our principal suggested me to take a break, like a week or a month. pero I refused. Dahil natakot ako na habang wala ako, ako naman ang kanilang pag-uusap. Actually naging sentro nga ng biroan ang nangyari. at first nao-offend ako. Pero I chose to ignore it at sakyan na lang para di na nila magamit yun para inisin ako. Since then, nagbago na ang lahat. I've changed.

Nagbago ako, naging wild. Ito yung panahon na napadalas ang pag-inom ko. Na I almost spend my weekends sobering up while trying to get involved to church activities. In which in reality, hindi gaano nakatulong. 

Napapansin ko nga na medyo clingy ako sa mga taong napapalagayan ko ng loob and to my friends. Kasi I really need your time. Your attention. 

I need some to talk with. yung walang judgement. Yung tamang makikinig lang sa mga rants and hinaing ko. I need that kind of person badly. 

Nasa makadaupang-palad na kita. :)